KidsHealth.org has a great set of tips that any couple facing this situation should follow.  The article is presented below.

Helping Kids Cope

Divorce brings numerous changes and a very real sense of loss. Many kids — and parents — grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for, and children especially miss the presence of a parent and the family life they had. That’s why it’s common and very natural for some kids to hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together — even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them. Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your child will come to accept the new situation. So reassure kids that it’s OK for them to wish that mom and dad will reunite, but also explain the finality of your decisions.

Here are some ways to help kids cope with the upset of a divorce:

• Encourage honesty. Kids need to know that their feelings are important to their parents and that they’ll be taken seriously.
• Help them put their feelings into words. Children’s behavior can often clue you in to their feelings of sadness or anger. Let them voice their emotions and help them to label them, without trying to change their emotions or explain them away. You might say: “It seems as if you’re feeling sad right now. Do you know what’s making you feel so sad?” Be a good listener when they respond, even if it’s difficult for you to hear what they have to say.
• Legitimize their feelings. Saying “I know you feel sad now” or “I know it feels lonely without dad here” lets kids know that their feelings are valid. It’s important to encourage kids to get it all out before you start offering ways to make it better.
• Offer support. Ask, “What do you think will help you feel better?” They might not be able to name something, but you can suggest a few ideas — maybe just to sit together for a while, take a walk, or hold a favorite stuffed animal. Younger kids might especially appreciate an offer to call daddy on the phone or to make a picture to give to mommy when she comes at the end of the day.
• Keep yourself healthy. For many adults, separation and divorce is one of the most stressful life events they ever go through. That pressure may be amplified by custody and financial issues, which can bring out the worst in people. Finding ways to manage your own stress is essential for you and your entire family. Keeping yourself as physically and emotionally healthy as possible can help combat the effects of stress, and by making sure you’re taking care of your own needs, you can ensure that you’ll be in the best possible shape to take care of your family.
• Keep the details in check. Take care to ensure privacy when discussing the details of the divorce with friends, family, or your lawyer. Try to keep your interactions with your ex as civil as possible, especially when you’re interacting in front of the kids. Take the high road — don’t resort to blaming or name-calling within earshot of your children, no matter what the circumstances of the separation. This is especially important in an “at fault” divorce where there have been especially hurtful events, like infidelity.
• Get help. This is not the time to go it alone. Find a support group, talk to others who have gone through this, use online resources, or ask your doctor or religious leaders to refer you to other resources. Getting help yourself sets a good example for your kids on how to make a healthy adjustment to this major change. Help from a counselor, therapist, or friend will also maintain healthy boundaries with your kids. It’s very important not to lean on your kids for support. Older kids and those who are eager to please may try to make you feel better by offering a shoulder to cry on. No matter how tempting that is, it’s best not to let them be the provider of your emotional support. Let your kids know how touched you are by their caring nature and kindness, but do your venting to a friend or therapist.

Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.

Especially during a divorce, kids will benefit from one-on-one time with each parent. No matter how inconvenient, try to accommodate your ex-partner as you figure out visitation schedules.

It’s natural that you’ll be concerned about how a child is coping with this change. The best thing that you can do is trust your instincts and rely on what you know about your kids. Does they seem to be acting differently than usual? Is a child doing things like regressing to younger behaviors, such as thumb-sucking or bedwetting? Do emotions seem to be getting in the way of everyday routines, like school and social life?

Depression, moodiness, acting out, poor performance in school, use of alcohol or other drugs, sexual activity, or chronic oppositional behavior can all signal that kids are having trouble. Teens may have behavior problems, exhibit depression, show poor school performance, run away from home, or get into trouble with the law. Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are serious problems that affect a teen’s well-being and indicate the need for outside help.

Fighting in Front of the Kids

Although the occasional argument between parents is expected even in a healthy family, living in a battleground of continual hostility and unresolved conflict can place a heavy burden on any child. Screaming, fighting, arguing, or violence can make kids fearful and apprehensive.

Witnessing parental conflict presents an inappropriate model for kids, who are still learning how to deal with their own relationships. Kids whose parents maintain anger and hostility are much more likely to have continued emotional and behavioral difficulties that last beyond childhood.

Talking with a mediator or divorce counselor can help couples air their grievances and hurt to each other in a way that doesn’t cause harm to the children. Though it may be difficult, working together in this way will spare kids the hurt caused by continued bitterness and anger.

Adjusting to a New Living Situation

Because divorce can be such a big change, adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually.

Several types of living situations should be considered:

• one parent may have custody
• joint custody in which both parents share in the legal decisions about the child, but the child lives primarily with one parent and visits the other
• shared joint custody in which decisions are shared and so is physical custody

There’s no simple solution to this. Although some kids can thrive spending half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of having one “home” and visiting with the other parent. Some parents choose to both remain in the same home — but this only works in the rarest of circumstances and in general should be avoided.

Whatever arrangement you choose, your child’s needs should always come first. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to “win.” When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and vacations, stay focused on what’s best for the kids. It’s important for parents to resolve these issues themselves and not ask the kids to choose.

During the preteen years, when kids become more involved with activities apart from their parents, they may need different schedules to accommodate their changing priorities. Ideally, kids benefit most from consistent support from both parents, but they may resist equal time-sharing if it interrupts school or their social lives. Be prepared for their thoughts on time-sharing, and try to be flexible.

Your child may refuse to share time with you and your spouse equally and may try to take sides. If this occurs, as hard as it is, try not to take it personally. Maintain the visitation schedule and emphasize the importance of the involvement of both parents.

Kids sometimes propose spending an entire summer, semester, or school year with the noncustodial parent. But this may not reflect that they want to move. Listen to and explore these options if they’re brought up.

Parenting Under Pressure

It’s hard to maintain your role as a parent when going through any kind of emotional turmoil. You might be tempted to depend on kids for emotional support or to ask them to report back on what the other parent is doing. Resist such urges — mothers and fathers should work hard to keep their parental roles in place. Kids, no matter how much they try to understand what you’re going through, are still just kids.

Consistency in routine and discipline across the households is important. Similar expectations regarding bedtimes, rules, and homework will reduce anxiety. Wherever possible work with the other parent to maintain consistent rules — and even when you can’t enforce them in your ex-partner’s home, you can stick to them in yours.

It’s important to maintain as much normalcy as possible after a divorce by keeping regular routines, including mealtimes, house rules about behavior, and discipline. Relaxing limits, especially during a time of change, tends to make kids insecure and reduces your chances of regaining appropriate parental authority later.

Resist the urge to drop routines and spoil kids upset about a divorce by letting them break rules or not enforcing limits. You should feel free to lavish affection on them — kids don’t get spoiled by too many hugs or comforting words — but buying things to replace love or allowing kids to act any way they want is not in their best interests and you may have a hard time trying to reign them back in once the dust settles.

Divorce is a major crisis for a family. But if you and your former spouse can work together and maintain a civil relationship for the benefit of your children, the original family unit can continue to be a source of strength, even if stepfamilies enter the picture.

So remember to:

• Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If you’re able to adjust, your kids will be more likely to do so, too. Also, getting needed emotional support and being able to air your feelings and thoughts with an adult will lessen the possibility of your child shouldering the unfair burden of your emotional concerns. Confidants may include trusted friends or family members or a therapist.
• Be patient with yourself and with your child. Emotional concerns, loss, and hurt following divorce take time to heal and this often happens in phases. That’s healthy.
• Recognize the signs of stress. Consult your child’s teacher, doctor, or a child therapist for guidance on how to handle specific problems you’re concerned about.

Many of the elements that help kids in intact families thrive and be emotionally healthy are the same ones that help those from divorced families thrive and be emotionally healthy. With good support, kids can and do successfully make this life adjustment.

While a child is going through these changes, it is crucial that they receive continuous support, love, understanding, and compassion from adults in their lives. Many times, teachers and school staff are the adults who are best able to provide this support. This article contains some tips and valuable information for school staff who are working with kids from divorced homes.

Educators should watch for changes in the behavior of children as they adjust to the changes at home. Many teachers have become more concerned with testing and benchmarking as a result of the No Child Left Behind Act. This has taken some of their attention away from the less obvious needs of their students.

Secondly, educators should become familiar with resources in the community that are available for children living in divorced homes. Those range from after-school programs for single parents who are the sole wage earner to financial resources that will provide assistance with the cost of child care.

Thirdly, educators should provide input to school administrators regarding the need for additional social workers and counselors who can intervene on behalf of the children who may be the forgotten victims of divorce. Since school is like a second home to children during the week, it is the logical place for mental health and social welfare assets.

The most important thing a teacher can do to help is to be available to a divorced parent for one-on-one conferences or meetings to discuss how the child is dealing with the transition and to keep the lines of communication open so both adults can best deal with what the child is going through.

When a child experiences abrupt changes that are not dealt with early on, they can lead to emotional problems that can have a very long lasting effect. Educators are in a position to intervene and give support at the earliest and most critical stage of the process when the divorced family needs the most help. Paying attention to changes in the child’s behavior and opening communication with the family are important aspects of being an educator in the 21st century.

About the Author
Attorney Becca Menduni offers practical advice at AustinDivorceHelp.com. Learn how divorce can be different by reading about collaborative law in Austin and how it’s changing the way that divorce is done.

Article Source: http://www.article-idea.com/profile/carolcavanaugh-6549.html

Identifying myself as a formerly married person didn’t work. But as a fabulous single woman, I’m smarter and sexier. Here’s how I found the smarter, sexier me.

By Deborah Moskovitch

 When I separated, although I didn’t realize it at the time, I had embarked on an adventure to some mysterious destination yet to be determined

My view of myself changed astronomically after my divorce. No longer part of a couple, I felt different, rattling around in my social circle with nothing to ground me in events.  Showing up at parties alone, I felt that no one was interested in what I had to say.   I was lost, as my world had been based on couples—it seemed that I had lost my identity. 

But I soon realized that life would just pass me by if I identified myself with who I was—as part of a married couple, versus who I could be—a fabulous single woman.  Not growing, I would be the same lost person who I felt had little to contribute because I was no longer married.  I realized that life would just be empty and boring if I waited to be rescued by my Knight in Shining Armor. So, I opened myself up to many new experiences and opportunities, and along the way have become a very different person. 

I feel strong, and have reconciled who I used to be in my marriage with who I’ve become today. I now have longer, straight hair when before I had short, curly hair.  There are fine lines around my eyes.  I’ve changed.  But, the changes are more than just physical. I now embrace my life with open arms as I allow myself to learn from life experience.  Not only have I settled into the new me, but my parents, siblings and friends have had to adapt too.  They find it interesting to relate to this newly introspective, assertive, smart, confident, sensitive and, dare I say, sexy woman.

Life is definitely different as a single woman in mid life, than when I was single in my twenties. I have a sense of who I am. I certainly did not have such a rich life when I first separated. I gained it through a lot of hard work and a desire to be content and happy.

As I move forward in life and developed an identity that makes me feel proud, these strategies helped me get to where I am today—of course, experience and research have helped enlighten me.

• Get out there and socialize.  You are not going to meet people in your own house.
• Develop your interests.  Connect with people who share the same hobbies and positive outlook.  Do you want to become a runner, a potter, a great cook?  Weave these activities into the new you.
• Work on your inner beauty.  Feeling good about yourself and who you’ve become, will attract people into your life who have the same positive energy.
• Include your married friends in your activities.  Let them see the new you, and what you have to offer—an interesting, stronger, happier, single woman.
• Be your own role model.  Strive to become the type of person you admire.  Make a list of the attributes you most respect, and do what you need to get there.

It’s important for you to think of yourself not just as a newly single woman, or a mother, but as someone who is so much more. A worker, a friend, a volunteer—there are so many roles that you can play. You need to weave these other roles into your definition of yourself.

This article is original content on More.ca   

The groundbreaking study — believed to the first in Canada to look at the
long-term impacts of household upheaval on academic success — found
children who experience changes to their family structure are MUCH MORE
LIKELY to become high school dropouts than classmates whose parents stay
together.

The findings were particularly grim for children who live through three or
more parental changes: divorce or death, remarriage or another divorce. Such
children have just a 40-per-cent chance of completing their high school
diplomas, a success rate HALF that of children with no family shakeup.

“This is a LONG-RUN picture, where we can look at number of changes a child
experiences and link it to HOW THEY FINISH UP as they enter into young
adulthood,” said U of A divorce expert Lisa Strohschein, who co-authored the
project with the University of Manitoba’s Noralou Roos and Marni Brownell.
The study, considered especially relevant at a time of high divorce rates
and increasingly complex family relationships, is published in the new
edition of Canadian Journal of Sociology.

Previous research has linked family instability with childhood problems, but
such work has typically focused only on short-term impacts, Strohschein
said. For her team’s study, the scholars used a data registry of more than
9,400 children born in 1984 in Manitoba. The children, all born or adopted
into two-parent married households, were tracked until age 20 to find out
what happened to them.

Of that initial 9,403 children, 7,569 saw their parents stay together, 1,325
experienced one divorce and 172 had a parent die.

A small number — 285 children — lived through two family transitions
(divorce and remarriage), while 52 experienced three transitions.

Analysis of the data found 78.4 per cent of children whose parents stayed
together finished high school by age 20, well ahead of classmates with one
change to the family structure.

There was little difference between children who experienced one divorce and
those who had a parent die. In both groups, about 60 per cent received high
school diplomas.

The biggest concern was for children in twice-divorced households.

“It’s that cumulative effect,” Strohschein said. “Things really seem to fall
off when there is a loss of a second marital relationship. It’s really
striking.”

The divorce rate in Canada has been holding steady in recent years at around
38 per cent — meaning about 380 out of every 1,000 marriages will dissolve
within 30 years. But the divorce rate worsens for second and third
marriages, providing additional risk for children.

Strohschein cautions against generalizations, because in some cases divorce
can be a benefit to children if a household is dysfunctional.

“But there are lots of people who just say, ‘I don’t think I can make this
relationship work,’ ” she said. “And what the study suggests is there are
some long-term consequences to those decisions parents should take into
consideration.”

The study also found younger children whose parents divorce are more likely
to drop out than children who are older when a split occurs. Strohschein
said more work is needed to explain this trend, but it may be that younger
children have fewer emotional skills to deal with traumatic events.

“Or it may be that the earlier you are when you have a first change, the
more likely it is your parents will have more changes.”

Her next project will examine the life paths of more than 90,000 children,
which will allow researchers to look at the effects of fourth and fifth
family changes. She hopes similar studies can be done in Alberta, but the
provincial government does not provide the same data to researchers as the
Manitoba government.

I thought I¹d make a few comments about this study that was picked up by
many media outlets last week. The study was headed up by our colleague Brian
Doss at Texas A & M.  Galena Rhoades, I, and Howard Markman are co-authors.
The data set is a long-term sample of couples who got married in the mid to
later 1990s that we have been following at The University of Denver.  The
official citation for the study is:

Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The
effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An
eight-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,
96, 601 - 619.

This is a prestigious journal with very strong methodology require for
publication.
Onto the heart of the matter.  This study was picked up in an amazing number
of media outlets (and more to come).  Some headlines were remarkably
accurate as to the point, for example:  ³DU study: Children strain marriage²
(http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_12108887)
Some were not on target, and were quite misleading as to what we found:
³Kids Marital Satisfaction Study: Remain Childless²
(http://www.postchronicle.com/news/original/article_212221927.shtml)

Ah, the joys of the media.  Surely, that¹s just what we meant and we merely
came up with the wrong title in our journal article. Couples should not have
children. Just don¹t do it.  Just wait until my sons hear about this. Won¹t
they feel like they owe Nancy and me forever?!

On a more serious note, here are the important points as far as I¹m
concerned.

- The study focuses on the way declines in marital functioning happen over
time for couples who have children and also for those who do not.  Couples
having children showed clear declines in marital quality that were
concentrated around the time of childbirth.  Yes, transition to parenthood
changes couples, and the changes can be challenging.

- Led by Brian Doss¹s amazing work on this, part of what we found is that
the decline is, on average, small to medium in size.  The effect was not
hugely negative as some studies before have found.  On the other hand, the
decline is real where some other studies have suggested that this may not be
true.

Key take-a-way: Transition to parenthood is a particularly identifiable and
challenging period for couples.  (Many of you knew that.)

- Couples who didn¹t have children also declined over the eight years of the
study, but they did so more gradually.  While those not having children
didn¹t show some of the declines in terms of communication and conflict
management that those having children did, they declined in overall marital
happiness, nevertheless.

- Added nuggets to chew on:  (1) Couples are somewhat more at risk if their
first born is a girl.  (Other studies have shown this as well.  The theory
is that fathers get more involved‹or, as some would suggest, are more
allowed to be involved in‹raising boys.)  (2) Having a baby very early in a
marriage is riskier than waiting a couple of years.

- Studies like this help make point that people don’t need to just let stuff
happen to them; they can make choices, including to preserve and protect the
great stuff in their marriages.  But they have to decide to do that and then
work at it.  As Howard Markman and Frank Floyd were saying 30 years ago, and
we¹re all still saying: Key life transitions are important opportunities for
helping couples strengthen their marriages.

- Do these findings argue that couples would be better off just saying ³no²
to children? Of course not. (Just think of the implications for your Social
Security!)  Sure, some couples would do better not to have children.  More
importantly, there are differences between couples who have children and
those who do not (apart from mere fertility issues) that make such
assertions and comparisons difficult for researchers to attempt.  Brian Doss
makes the point that we are wise only to look at the trajectories of the two
groups but it would be less wise to directly compare them in making too many
conclusions. There are too many bases for differences between couples who
have children (and when) and those who do not.

- My (Scott¹s) favorite point to make of all this is a philosophical matter.
I¹m just speaking for myself in this point, not my colleagues. I believe
that we have a narrow definition of marital happiness in America and that
there is something harder to measure that is very important that has been
called Family Happiness (by Tolstoy; David Brooks did a cool editorial on
this a few years ago). This type of happiness is more deeply related to the
meaning of building a family together, in life. Most people do not regret
having children.  Most people who had children are very glad that they did.
(However, in other research, almost humorously, people are most happy being
parents on days they spend the least amount of time with their children.
Smile.  If you are a parent, you likely get that.)  Anyway, a cultural
point: We’re too over-focused on romantic happiness in life and not on
bigger types of contentment and meaning.  Researchers have not really tried
to measure this idea of family happiness but those raising a family can very
often relate to this on many levels.

Don¹t worry, be happy (and content).

Scott Stanley
Research Professor
University of Denver
(http://www.slidingvsdeciding.com/ )
**************************
Copyright Smart Marriages®

By Elicia Brown / Beliefnet.com

Not so very long ago, my daughter’s passions included her Elmo doll, her art projects, and an unfortunate activity she referred to as “the buzz.” With her arms wrapped tightly around the wobbly form of her baby brother, she would open her mouth as wide as possible and lick his head until he cried.

I wondered if these two small creatures who shared my womb, albeit two years and eight months apart, would ever truly enjoy each other’s company. Four years later, my children adore each other. And abhor each other. But my children aren’t the first to engage in a little sibling rivalry (and I am not the first parent who’s had to deal with it). Here are 10 simple steps to help us, as parents, lessen the impact of sibling rivalry.

1. Naughty by Nature
As bad as it might be in your household, take heart: It’s rare to find a family without this friction.

I guarantee the siblings of Genesis clashed with greater force. Cain slew Abel. Jacob and Esau wrestled even before they emerged from Rebecca’s womb. Rachel and Leah vied for Jacob’s sexual attentions. Joseph’s brothers sold him to the Ishmaelites for 20 silver coins.

These examples “serve to remind us that the sibling relationship is filled with complexity and competitiveness,” says Susan Bodnar, a New York-based psychologist. “The stories of the Torah tell us about how rich, textural and multi-dimensional families are.”

As the Torah reminds us, sibling strife is natural.

2. Don’t Play Favorites
The Torah also teaches us that parents can exacerbate sibling tensions.

Isaac and Rebecca, for instance, provide a good lesson in bad parenting. Rebecca showed her preference for her reflective son Jacob. Isaac showered his affections on Jacob’s brother Esau, the hairy hunter. And the twins hated each other.

As parents, it can be difficult to reinvent a new style, different from that with which we were raised. So it goes with the biblical Jacob. If only he’d learned: Do not choose favorites.

When he became a father, Jacob selected Joseph as his favorite child, rewarding him with a coat of many colors. Joseph’s brothers didn’t stand idly by. They tossed Joseph into a pit, and sold him to a caravan of Ishmaelites.

4. To Butt In or Not to Butt In
Parents often wonder whether to rush to the scene of their children’s battles.

Meredith Jacobs, who is the author of “A Modern Jewish Mom’s Guide to Shabbat,” says that her own parents always mediated arguments. And Jacobs, who lives in Rockville, Md., does the same with her two children. After all, her parents’ approach worked. Today that sister is her best friend.

Gitty Rosenfeld, the principal of an online Jewish school, employs the opposite strategy with her brood of 12 children in Brooklyn — so long as no one is brandishing a broom over another child’s head.

As for me, when I’m able to, I try to guide my children, ages 4 and 6, through their disagreements. I restate their arguments to each other, ask them for solutions, and if none arise, offer a few compromises of my own. Of course, that’s in an ideal world.

5. Celebrate Individuality
Rabbi Leana Moritt has three boys, all with straight brown hair and brown eyes. Line them up, she says, and they look almost identical. In temperament and talents, however, they differ greatly.

The rabbi, who is a life coach at the 92nd Street Y in Manhattan, says that in parenting, we must remember the concept of betzelem elohim, that each child is made in the image of God, that every individual possesses distinct gifts. As parents, we should seek to celebrate and support the individuality of our children, to praise and empower children differently.

This might apply if, for example, one daughter excels in sports, the other in schoolwork. Rabbi Moritt says that when her spacy son arrives home with his jacket intact, she responds more enthusiastically than when her more grounded son manages to bring his home.

6. Watch Your Language
Children should learn the power of the spoken word and be encouraged to speak respectfully toward their siblings. Jews believe that words, as well as sticks and stones, can hurt you. As one Yiddish proverb puts it: “A blow passes on; a spoken word lingers on.”

In my house, we set up a chart, awarding star stickers to those able to maintain kind speech. Sadly, the project lasted only one day, when my daughter announced that she dislikes this “silly I love you day.” In another breath, she addressed her brother, who was snuggling/smothering her: “Sincerely stupid, will you please get off me.”

I have not given up — because in our house, one sister’s harsh words too often lead to her brother’s harsh blows, or at least yanks of her blonde hair.

7. Thou Shalt Not Brag
The Ten Commandments teach, “Thou shalt not covet.”

But pity the sibling of the child who seemingly acquired every advantageous gene in the family’s pool. Isn’t it normal for his less favored sibling to envy him? According to the rabbis, with advantages come responsibilities. The fortunate son should teach and assist his siblings, not gloat, like the biblical Joseph.

In the case of my own family, in which a big sister is currently a more competent jump-roper, problem solver, and artist than her little brother, a parent could respond to her bragging: “It’s true, you’re better. You’re the one to empower your brother,” by teaching him how to turn a rope, or draw a face, or count to 1,000, suggests Nomi Marks, an Orthodox family therapist.

8. Make ‘Alone Time’
Children can also benefit from a specially slated day — or afternoon — or even 20 minutes — alone with a parent. Alone time reaffirms bonds and reminds the child that they are treasured. Confident in the love of their parents, children lash out less often at their siblings.

9. Be a Good Role Model
Children also learn from their parents’ arguments. If mom and dad exchange angry words but later resolve their issues peaceably, children learn that calm often follows sound and fury. They understand that discord doesn’t mean divorce; that moving on is possible in their own relationships too.

Ilana Ruskay-Kidd, a mother of three, and director of a preschool based at a large Jewish Community Center, advises: “Explain your failures. Use them as learning opportunities.” Tell the children, “I really messed up. I lost my temper. I probably hurt his feelings.”

Milan prosecutors have asked a judge to charge the couple - who have not
been named under Italian privacy laws - with “ill treatment of a minor”
because of “the psychological suffering inflicted”. The charge carries a
prison sentence of up to five years. Legal experts said they could recall no
such previous prosecution in Britain or Europe.

The case was authorised by Marco Ghezzi, the Milan prosecutor for cases
involving minors, after a health visitor reported that the child was
“disturbed”.

Antonio Sangermano, the magistrate who is conducting the prosecution case,
said the mother and father had blamed each other for their break up in
arguments carried out in front of the child.

The prosecution report states that: “Each blamed the other for shortcomings
and educational errors in bringing up the child”, with each parent trying to
“discredit, devalue and undermine the other” in front of him and “project
their emotions onto him, above all anger”.

The couple had not physically mistreated the child. But this “parental
hyper-conflict” had induced “a syndrome of anxiety and depression” over his
“conflicting loyalties and emotions”, which in turn had led to “problems of
concentration”, with the child falling behind in his school work, the
prosecutors said.

The result had been to “confuse” the child and instil in him “the conviction
that his parents hated each other”. The prosecutors alleged that both
parents had persisted in arguing in front of the child even though he told
them it was “making him feel ill”.

They had “manipulated” the child in an attempt to “make him decide between
them”, using him as a tool in their divorce battle, the prosecutors said.

Cesare Tacconi, a Milan judge, will decide early next month whether to go
ahead with a trial. To protect the identity of the child, judges have
refused to divulge the name of the town near Milan where the family lives.

Piero Caprera, a lawyer for the wife in the case, said it was “undeniable”
there there had been “arguments within the family”. But he said the
prosecutors would be unable to prove the parents had intended to harm the
child, as the charge of “maltreatment” requires, and predicted that the
judge would dismiss the charges.

Corriere della Sera, the Milan newspaper, said if the case went ahead it
could have implications for “untold numbers of other cases” in which
divorcing or separating couples had rows in front of their children.

Cesare Rimini, an Italian divorce and family lawyer, said the Milan case was
“a sign of growing social alarm over the effects of divorce on children”. Mr
Rimini said that all too often children were “the indirect victims of a
fight between their parents”. The law was designed to “protect minors
against abuse within the family and physical or moral harm.” but had not
previously been used in this way.

Frances Hughes, Senior Partner of Hughes Fowler Carruthers and a leading
family lawyer, said: “I am certain that no such prosecution has ever been
brought in the United Kingdom.”

But she said that in parts of Europe it was “now widely accepted that
conflict between parents jeopardises children’s mental health and stability.
For example, in the Netherlands it is now standard practice for interim
orders to be made to ensure that the parents do not live in the same
property while the divorce is going on if there is a child living with them.

“In England we would only make such an order if one of the parties had
behaved violently or threatened violence. It may well be that this area of
law is rather more highly developed throughout the European Union that it is
in England.”