WordPress database error: [Column 'id' cannot be null]
INSERT INTO wpzl_live_hits
(`id`, `action`, `created`, `page_url`, `page_title`, `ip_address`, `referrer`, `comment_url`)
VALUES(null, 'rss_hit', '2012-02-04 13:21:03', '/feed/atom/', '/feed/atom/', '38.107.179.234', '', '')
“Parents are often too busy in the initial years, when the children are still dependent,” said Fabienne Stettler, a sociologist at Neuchatel University, according to SwissInfo. “When (the children) start school, (parents) are suddenly relieved of a certain amount of pressure.”
During this time of pressure is when a high number of divorces happen, when the youngest child is between three and five.
When the oldest turns 20 is another time of pressure, and divorce rates rise again.
Parents are often hesitant to divorce, because they worry about the effect it will have on their children. And according to the Huffington Post, new research says divorce may not be as devastating to children as previously thought, especially children with resilient personalities.
The article stresses the importance of parental support during the first three years after divorce, and for the children who receive such support, they are caught up to their peers, emotionally, by the third year.
In a followup article, the Huffington Post outlined a few key characteristics of someone with a resilient personality.
These characteristics included: believing that life has meaning, understanding that crisis is a normal part of life and that while we create our luck, crises can also create opportunities for us. There is also a need for the individual to understand their ability to survive the situation, and that they have a strong support system to lean on.
When children exhibit these behaviors they are more able to cope with divorce, and when parents are also resilient and maintain a positive outlook on life, it will contribute to their child’s ability to overcome the trauma of divorce, according to the Huffington Post.
While resilient children fair better, according to an article about the Longevity Project from Psychology Today, for some children, divorce can be more devastating than the death of a parent.
In an effort to reduce the devastating affect, Psychology Today points out, one of the most important parts in raising more resilient children is to build a supportive environment around them. While divorce separates a family, parents can continue to build a strong support system around their children, to ensure more resilient children and diminish the effects of divorce.
Though Stettler reminds, the main cause of divorce is not the children, there are many other factors that play into divorce, according to the DailyMail’s report on a marital longevity research study.
When parents stay together for the sake of the children, remaining in a miserable marriage, they teach their children that a miserable marriage is normal, said The Healthy Divorce blog.
Many couples believe a bad marriage is better than no marriage, reported The Huffington Post. It reports this opinion is likely due to a study by Judith Wallerstein, which showed “that kids don’t notice that their parents are unhappy in a marriage.”
However, on the other hand, Phil and Carolyn Cowan, UC Berkeley researchers found that “studies of two-parent families have consistently found that when a couple’s relationship is characterized by unresolved conflict and unhappiness, their children tend to have more acting out aggressive behavior problems, more shy withdrawn behavior, and few social and academic skills,” according to the Post.
]]>The town I live in requires adults to take a class called “Child In The Middle” before a judge will sign the divorce petition.
I actually believe it would be in children’s best interests, if this was required in all towns. Even the most well meaning adults often, without realizing, put their children in the middle.
So, what are some of the things to avoid? Do not say to your child “go ask mommy” or “go ask daddy”. It is not up to the child to be a go between. It is up to the two adults to speak directly to each other, or through their attorneys if they can not communicate. When a child is asked to be a go between, and should one of the parents get upset with the message, the child feels they somehow are responsible, when they are just an innocent messenger.
Do not ask your child about your ex spouses new girlfriend or boyfriend. The kids are just as uncomfortable with this as you are. They don’t want another mother, or another father. They don’t want to have to betray you by liking the new person in their parent’s life. So make it easy on them. Don’t ask.
Don’t put your child in the position of ever having to choose. Remember one of you is mom and one of you is dad. It is unfair at the least to ask a child to choose. You both brought this child into the world. At one time it was fine for the child to love you both. Make it ok for the child to love you both today too.
Don’t speak poorly of the child’s other parent. Remember it was joint love that brought this child into the world. That child feels they are a part of both of you. If you speak poorly of the child’s other parent, the child takes it personally.
Do let your child know how sorry you are that they have to go to two homes, learn two addresses etc.
Do let your child know you will do everything you can to support their relationship with the other parent.
Do listen to your children. They often will guide you to let you know what they need.
Article Source: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/parents-divorce-children-feel-pain.html
About Author:
Audrey Okaneko is mom to two girls. She can be reached at audreyoka@cox.net or visited at http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com
]]>It’s a common equation these days, families being rearranged and reshaped, and usually all orchestrated out of love. However, the statistical truth is that the divorce rate among remarriages is 10 to 15 percent higher than that of a first-time marriage.
“It’s clear that people remarry because they’ve fallen in love with someone, but they divorce because they cannot deal with the complexities of the stepfamily,” says Ron L. Deal, founder of Successful Stepfamilies and author of several books, including The Smart Stepfamily and The Smart Stepmom. “Couples get blindsided by that, but the good news is that remarriages can be just as close and intimate and lasting as first marriages.”
Ron’s counseling background began in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and includes more than 20 years in family ministry and marriage enrichment. Over the course of being involved with hundreds of families and their varying relationships, he found that stepfamilies could do well if given proper guidance and help. Ron and his wife, with their three boys, moved to Amarillo nearly four years ago and he currently counsels in a small practice where helping stepfamilies is his specialty.
Six years ago, Ron was contacted by Dr. David Olsen, a nationally recognized marital researcher in Minneapolis, to partner with him on a project analyzing data from the largest study ever done on remarriages. The study involved 50,000 couples – 100,000 people who were divorced and forming stepfamilies – focusing on what predicts healthy remarriages and what predicts those who are unsuccessful. The results have been published in their recently released co-authored book, The Remarriage Checkup.
“Our study validated the belief that we’ve had for a long time that the remarriage is not just about the couples’ relationship. It is as much about the family, stepfamily, the step-parenting and the ex-spouses,” he says. “There’s a reason why the remarriage divorce rate is higher. It’s because of their past, their fears about a breakup, and complications that come from living in a stepfamily.”
Many couples don’t realize that the remarriage is interdependent on the health of the stepfamily and that the struggles they face are unique to each family. Instead of a family tree, stepfamilies are more like a forest with additional sets of parents, grandparents, and extended families, ex-friends, new friends, and all of the traditions, experiences and expectations that go along with them. A couple may have a great relationship between the two of them but because parenting each other’s children and navigating the intersection with former family members is more complex than they anticipated, the stepfamily as a whole can suffer.
When offering advice on how to form a healthy, lasting stepfamily, Ron often uses this analogy:
“How do you cook a stepfamily? Not with a blender because someone always gets creamed. Instead, you cook a family with a Crockpot. It’s a slow process, taking years to create integration and a family identity,” he says. “Some warm up to others more quickly, and some take more time. Relationships today may not be what you want them to be, but that’s because they’re still cooking.”
While fear and jealousy are the predominant emotions that can hinder the success of a remarriage, and understandably so, Ron encourages couples to keep a positive, yet realistic perspective.
“Continue to choose love. The greatest thing I’ve learned from stepfamilies is the power in choosing love,” he says. “When you’re a stepfamily, you have the opportunity to choose a connection that far exceeds just being born into a family. You might have to say to yourself, ‘We are still a family even though we’re not as close as I’d like us to be, but we’re still cooking.’ It’s only when a couple gives up and re-divorces that the family stops cooking.”
The Remarriage Checkup is not only a review of the study previously mentioned, but it’s also one chapter after another focusing on the specific and proven strengths of a happy, healthy remarriage and subsequent stepfamily. Each ends with tangible advice and an exercise for couples to do together. Just like your car, and even your physical health, every marriage needs a regularly scheduled checkup.
“There is a short list of a few things that couples and ex-spouses can do to dramatically improve the chances of the remarriage and stepfamily lasting,” says Ron. “Harmony and passion really can exist, and the more understanding you have, the better off you’ll be.”
The Deal on Remarriage and Stepfamilies
Notes from The Remarriage Checkup
• The dating experience of a couple is not predicative of what the marriage will be like. Sometimes things change with the ex-spouse after the remarriage takes place. Study and learn as much as possible about stepfamily living so when the challenges arise, you stand a better chance of managing them.
• Children are about a year behind the couple, which means that if the couple is ready to get married, your children need another year. It’s not an exact time table, so just go slow.
• Cohabitation blurs the boundaries of every relationship involved in a remarriage and formation of a stepfamily. It is not an accurate picture of what life will be like.
• Be very intentional during the dating process. You’re obviously going to meet the other person’s children, but it is only after becoming engaged and moving towards marriage that you should start developing a bonded relationship them. There is a hazard in bringing people around children five years old and under, because if the relationship doesn’t work out, that becomes a serious loss for them.
• Never underestimate the importance of fun, which is on the list of what predicts remarriage success. Be diligent about enjoying time together. After all, that’s how you fell in love in the first place.
• Some things you just need to let go, and that’s often the case when dealing with difficult ex-spouses. There are things you can do to manage the stress of it, but chances are she or he won’t go away or suddenly change for the better.
• One of the best gifts you can give your children is the permission to like and respect – even love – their stepparent.
For more information on building a healthy stepfamily and remarriage, log on to Successful Stepfamilies.
]]>
1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).
I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 and 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.
2. Change your routine.
The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment—all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that her life wasn’t over just because her marriage had ended.
]]>Psychology researchers at the University of Notre Dame devised elaborate experiments to test the effects of marital conflict on children.
They set up a home-like environment with cameras, and hired actors to play out arguments, showing children different scenarios of clashing parents.
Researchers tested about 500 children aged 5 to 18 over the course of 20 years, monitoring their reaction to the arguments. Sometimes they took saliva samples from the children to study their levels of cortisol, which is the primary hormone produced by stress.
Researchers found that when the actors played out an argument where the resolution was positive, the children learned from the experience.
“Children actually are not disturbed by it if there are sincere efforts to problem-solve,” said Mark E. Cummings, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame and the lead researcher on the ongoing study. “They actually are happy about it, which surprised us to find that kids would actually say they’re happy to see the parents work it out.”
Po Bronson, co-author of the parenting book “NutureShock,” said he is more likely to resolve conflicts with his wife in front of his two children — an 8-year-old boy and 5-year-old girl — to show them that even though he and his wife may disagree, they love each other.
“We do fight in front of the children,” Bronson said today on “Good Morning America.” Instead of delaying the resolution, Bronson and his wife say “maybe we should start working it out right now.”
Children are acutely attuned to the quality of their parents’ relationship, the study found.
According to the findings, the typical married couple has about eight disputes a day. Even though parents may try to shield their children from their squabbles — whether they be over picking up the dry cleaning or doing the dishes, or something more serious — children witnessed their parents’ arguments about 45 percent of the time.
Bronson called such incidents teachable moments.
If parents wait to resolve the conflict until later, it can “leave kids really stressed,” Bronson said. “What works is to start to work it out … it makes kids much more secure and confident.”
If parents pause mid-argument to take their conflict elsewhere, they should tell their children afterward that the argument was resolved, Bronson said.
Children need to learn that “we’re not perfect,” Bronson said. “Talk about it.”
In one experiment, children who saw a staged conflict along with the resolution were calm, but those who were allowed to see just a portion of the argument — without the resolution — were negatively affected. They shouted, got angry or hit a pillow.
The lesson is that if children see grown-ups fighting and making up, those children learn that disagreements can be stepping stones to solutions, Cummings said.
The researchers also discovered that children as young as a year old were very sensitive to marital conflict.
Bronson said parents can learn how to argue and resolve conflict in front of their children.
That teaches children “constructive conflict resolution,” which they can then apply to their friendships and future romantic relationships.
In the study, children who don’t see the entire argument, or who see just the beginning but not the resolution, can become overly dramatic in their conflicts, he said. They may become more erratic in their behavior, and their relationships may suffer.
Boys and girls react differently to parental conflicts, he added.
Boys show more anxiety in the short term and rebound faster, and while girls may not seem as affected initially, the conflict depresses them for at least a couple of weeks, he said.
“Boys tend to get more anxious and recover more quickly,” Bronson said. “Girls get sad and depressed.”
]]>Up until grandparents get the news their adult child’s marriage is breaking up, their role was to make the grandchildren happy, to entertain them, to babysit, in short, to spoil them rotten. Post divorce, it’s a different story. Now suddenly, the grandparent role shifts.
There’s no question, grandparents walk a tightrope when and if they find themselves pulled into their child’s marital fray. Afraid to offend the soon-to-be ex-law or child and chance losing access to their grandchildren, they need to respect boundaries while comforting confused and potentially angry grandchildren. The best way to accomplish this end is to understand their role. And what is that role? The answer is to limit their involvement by providing stability, a sense of belonging, sensitivity and relief from stress during these difficult times.
Here are each of these tasks and ways you can support the grandchildren:
Younger children in particular, will have difficulty expressing their emotions and may behave in ways you may not understand if they are experiencing a lot of change. They may act out if they are being shuttled back and forth or are uprooted. Grandparents can help by maintaining routines. Show your grandkids that when they go to grandma and grandpa’s there is a sameness to life: meals are served on time; go for pizza at your usual restaurant; help them with their homework; show up for soccer games, etc.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot fill the shoes of the absent parent, but you can be the family historian and pass down your clan’s traditions, rituals and lore. Grandparents can be the foundation for rebuilding by making grandchildren feel they are part of the family system. Include them in family gatherings. Ask relatives to reach out to the children.
Understand that angry and confused grandchildren may see grandparents as the enemy, especially if their parent is bitter and turns on you. The best strategy is to wait it out. In time the flames may die and children will be more open to seeing you. Keep the doors of communication open. Send friendly emails, birthday cards, etc.
Hopefully, you will have access to your grandchildren. They will reach out to you if you make your home neutral territory. When they visit, do not dwell on the topic of divorce or ask the kids to bear tales. Grandchildren of all ages need joy in their lives during this difficult time. Take the kids away for a weekend or on vacation. They will benefit from the tranquility of nature. Buy an extra pair of gardening gloves, arrange a camping trip or take walks in the park.
Many grandparents facing their child’s divorce dilemma will make mistakes by becoming overly involved or accuse themselves of not doing enough to help their grandchildren during this difficult time. Keep in mind that grandparents should be a lifeline not a life support. There are limits what they can achieve. But by providing stability, a sense of belonging, sensitivity and relief from stress, they are doing all they can do to help the family weather the storm.
Resources: “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect … What You Can Do” Marsha A. Temlock (Impact Publishers, Inc. 2007)
]]>The following article gives several examples for activities recommended to do with your child to help him or her cope with the divorce. Playing with your child and spending quality time together is key to dealing with this transition in your child’s life, and Earthquake in Zipland is intended for just that.
Going through the process of divorce is a challenging life transition for both parents and children.
During their parents’ divorce, children often feel a wide variety of conflicting emotions. It is very important for parents to provide their children with understanding and support.
This guide provides ideas for many activities parents can do to support their children and help them work through their feelings, concerns and frustrations regarding the divorce.
DRAWING PICTURES
Anger, sadness, worry, relief, confusion, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, and nervousness — these are all common emotions that children experience when their parents divorce.
Many children have difficulty expressing these emotions in words. Drawing pictures of feelings can be an easier way for children to express how they truly feel inside. This process helps children express themselves in a positive manner and aids parents in knowing what their children are thinking and feeling concerning the divorce.
After your child has drawn a picture, ask specific questions about the drawing. Encourage him or her to explain what he or she has drawn and why. Be positive and supportive.
Things to draw pictures of:
CONVERSATION STARTERS
Following divorce, it is important for parents and children to keep the lines of communication open. Often, children have many fears, worries and questions about the divorce.
If they feel comfortable talking with their parents about these issues, they will likely have an easier adjustment to the changes divorce brings. However, children may not always know how to express their feelings or put their questions into words.
Discuss the following questions with your children to help them talk through their feelings about the divorce. Good conversations can occur in a wide variety of settings: during dinner, in the car, at bedtime or on walks.
Possible Questions:
COMMUNICATING FROM A DISTANCE
When one parent moves a considerable distance away, coping with the divorce often becomes more difficult for children because, in addition to the effects of the divorce, they must also adjust to not seeing that parent very often.
The following tips can help parents and children maintain strong relationships from long distances.
E-mail each other. E-mail is a fast, convenient way to keep in touch.
Start a postcard club. Everyone likes to receive mail! It only takes a few minutes to fill out a postcard. Give some stamped cards to your child, and take turns sending a card each week.
Have weekly or monthly phone dates. Set a specific time when you will talk on the phone (e.g. Wednesday evenings at 7 p.m. or the first Sunday of each month at noon). This will give both of you something to look forward to!
Create a shared journal. Buy an inexpensive notebook and write your thoughts and feelings in it. Exchange the notebook when you see each other.
Create a family Web site. This is a great way to post information and pictures to each other.
Make audio or video tape recordings. Hearing or seeing each other, whether for special occasions or just during daily activities, will keep the bond between you strong!
LETTER WRITING
Writing letters is a constructive way to deal with confusing feelings and to blow off steam.
Encourage your child to write a letter to one or both parents, expressing her feelings about the divorce. Tell her she can write whatever she feels like. Assure her that she does not have to send the letters if she does not want to.
The act of putting feelings and ideas in writing often helps to put the situation in perspective.
PARENT INFORMATION CARDS
Make information cards for you, your child and the other parent. Write information about yourself on one side of a large index card, and put information about your child’s other parent on the other side.
With this card, you, your child and your child’s other parent will always know how to contact each other.
Items to include:
READING CHILDREN’S BOOKS
Many children’s books address the topic of divorce. Reading such books with your child can be a valuable way to help him work through the feelings and concerns he is facing regarding the divorce in his own life.
Children often identify with characters in books. Discussing how characters work through their challenges can give your child insight into his own situation.
WRITING STORIES
Many children write and illustrate stories. If your child enjoys this kind of activity, suggest that he write a story about divorce.
Encourage your child to be as creative as possible and to draw pictures that help illustrate the story. If your child is willing, have him share his story with you. Be sure to be positive and supportive of his work.
PERSONAL HISTORY TIME LINE
One common feeling children experience after the divorce is worry about the future. They may be concerned about what is going to happen to them and if their lives will ever be normal again.
Creating a time line can help children put the current events of their lives in perspective. It can help them see that they have experienced many good things in the past, and that they have many years ahead of them to have fun and happy times with their families.
Younger children will need help with this activity but will enjoy thinking of events for their parent to put on their time line.
Discuss your child’s time line with him when he is finished. Point out that he has experienced many different events throughout life, some good and some bad. Help him to understand that he can get through the difficult time of divorce and that there are happiness and good times ahead.
Directions for a personal history time line
PLAY TOGETHER
As with drawing pictures, play is often a good way to help children express their feelings when it is difficult to talk about them. The following are some ideas of effective play activities:
Make puppets.
Create finger puppets or puppets out of brown paper sacks. Have the puppets talk about their feelings.
Play games.
Sometimes when people are occupied in another activity, it is easier to talk about feelings than if they just sit down to have a talk. There are even some games on the market that specifically address divorce.
Role-play.
Practice dealing with difficult situations that come about during divorce by acting out scenarios and discussing ways these situations can be handled positively.
LET’S EXERCISE
Engaging in physical activities together helps parents and children spend time with one another and reap the health benefits of exercise! Exercising is a good way to get rid of tension or angry feelings in a positive way.
Good activities for parents and children to enjoy together:
CREATING TWO COMFORTABLE HOMES
Your child should feel comfortable both in your home and in the home of your former spouse. Making sure that each home contains familiar items will help your child feel secure and at home in both places.
If possible, work with your child’s other parent and include the following items in both households:
TIME CAPSULE
Making a time capsule is another way of helping children recognize that the troublesome feelings surrounding the divorce won’t last forever and that there are many things to look forward to in the future.
Have your child put things in the capsule that represent his life: stories, drawings, photographs, and other special treasures and reminders. Encourage your child to answer the following questions and include them in the time capsule:
Time capsule questions
There are many different kinds of containers that make good time capsules — large glass jars with tight lids, large manila envelopes, shoeboxes, or drawstring bags.
After your child has finished making the time capsule, help her seal it. Let her decide when she will open it. For example, it might be opened in one year, on a certain birthday, or five years from the divorce.
When the time comes to open the capsule, your child will undoubtedly have fun looking at the things she put in it, noticing how her handwriting has changed, and reading the things she wrote.
CONCLUSION
Divorce is a difficult adjustment for children and parents. All family members must deal with a wide variety of emotions and make changes in the way they live. However, despite their own struggles in the divorce process, parents still have an obligation to provide their children with love, nurturing and a sense of stability. Relationship-building activities, such as those discussed in this guide, can help parents connect with their children and better understand their children’s feelings and concerns. With time, patience and creativity, children and parents can successfully work through the effects of divorce together.
University of Missouri-Columbia
Sharon Leigh, Extension Associate
Janet A. Clark, Associate State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies Extension
References
Bonkowski, S. (1987). Kids are nondivorceable: A workbook for divorced parents and their children. Chicago: ACTA Publications.
Brett, D. (1988). Annie stories: A special kind of storytelling. New York: Workman Publishing Company.
Davenport, M. A., Gordy, P. L., & Miranda, N. A. (1993). Children of divorce. Milwaukee, WI: Families International, Inc.
Garigan, E., & Urbanski, M. (1991). Living with divorce: Activities to help children cope with difficult situations. Carthage, IL: Good Apple.
Hickey, E., & Dalton, E. (1994). Healing hearts: Helping children and adults recover from divorce. Carson City, NV: Gold Leaf Press.
Margolin, S. (1996). Complete group counseling program for children of divorce. West Nyack, NY: The Center for Applied Research in Education.
Copyright 2002 University of Missouri.
Published by University Extension, University of Missouri-Columbia
“There is a great need for effective online programs to support and educate separated parents,” said Larry Ganong, co-chair of Human Development and Family Studies (HDFS) in the College of Human Environmental Sciences. “In many cases, parents who divorce also move apart, and relocation makes it difficult to attend court-mandated trainings or develop effective strategies for co-parenting. Children are often the ones who suffer when parents don’t take steps to minimize issues caused by separation.”
HDFS researchers developed Focus on Kids Online, a training course that helps parents going through divorce build stronger, more supportive relationships with their children. The Web-based program is designed to offer parents an alternative to in-person trainings. After completion of the course, parents reported improved relationships and better awareness of separation-related problems and how to solve them, according to new HDFS research by David Schramm, assistant professor, and Graham McCaulley, HDFS doctoral student.
The face-to-face version of Focus on Kids satisfies the Missouri law that requires parents who are divorcing to attend an educational program. It is conducted in cooperation with Missouri’s circuit courts and available in 50 counties. Ganong says the online program is growing and will be made available to other states in the future.
The MU researchers offer tips for separated and divorced parents:
The online program was developed by McCaulley, Schramm, Ganong and Marilyn Coleman, Curator’s professor of human development and family studies. MU researchers, including Shaun Calix, HDFS doctoral student, and Schramm, HDFS state extension specialist, will continue to evaluate the program’s effectiveness online and in-person.
]]>The study used data from the 1994 and 1996 cycles of the National Longitudinal Survey of Children and Youth (NSLCY) to compare changes in parenting practices between 208 households that divorced between the first and follow up interview and 4796 households that remained intact. Strohschein looked at three measures of parenting behavior (nurturing, consistent, and punitive parenting) to tap into the different ways that divorce is believed to disrupt parenting practices. Her results show that there are no differences between divorced and stably married parents for any parenting behavior either before or after a divorce has occurred.
“My findings that parenting practices are unrelated to divorce appear to fly in the face of accepted wisdom,” states Strohschein. “Undoubtedly, some parents will be overwhelmed and unable to cope with the demands of parenting in the post-divorce period, but the expectation that all parents will be negatively affected by divorce is unfounded.”
“This study is important because governments in both Canada and the US have allocated considerable resources over the past decade to provide parenting seminars on a mandatory or voluntary basis to parents who legally divorce,” says Strohschein. “Although these programs do assist parents and children in adjusting to divorce, it is equally clear that not all parents will be well served by such programs. For those who work directly with families during the divorce process, this means making greater effort to build on the existing strengths of parents.”
“Researchers need to shed much more light on the predictors of parenting behavior in the post-divorce period so that this knowledge can be used to design programs that effectively target the real needs of divorced parents,” says Strohschein.
This study appears in Family Relations.
]]>We are about to have a limited custody evaluation by a psychologist. Can she help? What else can I do? Any suggestions for retaining my sanity?
Reply:
Are child custody evaluations helpful?
Most parents figure out custody and co-parenting out on their own. Unfortunately, there are situations where one party is extremely difficult or there are extraordinary issues that prohibit the cooperative process. In these regrettable situations, a third party (often a psychologist) is the only solution to help the divorcing or co-parenting parents come to an agreement. The prevailing custody standard is “in the best interest of the child.”
What does, “in the best interest of a child” mean? & who has the power to decide “the best interest of the child”? If parents leave this up to courts, a judge that does not know the child or family, may be the one to ultimately decide the child’s fate.
Someone that does not know the child or parents? Hmmm….Does this sound likes “the best interest of the child”? I think not.I do know several psychologists that are custody evaluators in Phoenix area that are very good. I have also heard nightmare stories. Many experts believe the instruments used in custody evaluations are invalid and not based on scientific grounds. Instead, they believe these outcomes are based on the evaluator’s theories and personal beliefs. Obviously, it is best when parents come to parenting agreements on own. When parents decide their arrangements on their own there is more “buy in” and commitment. In my opinion, custody evaluations are not ideal.
For your peace of mind:
This is a difficult situation for you, especially if you want to co-parent, move on and help your daughter. You can help yourself and your daughter by taking care of yourself during these times.
• Find a physical outlet. Join a local yoga studio for physical and mental peace. Or walk each day with a friend.
• Spend time with people you can be your authentic-self around. Laugh and play as much as possible.
• Play with your daughter for 30 minutes a day uninterrupted by phones or other outside noise. Go for a walk, make a recipe or do an activity you enjoy together.
You may also want to get more support from a professional in your area.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience and please let me know if I answered your questions or you want more information.