It is not rare for the child to find himself in a powerful conflict of loyalty between his mother and father: who does he want to live with; who should he live with; who is right; where, in fact, is his home – with mother or with father; who needs him more; who will stay with him and take care of him?

Whether there is shared custody or whether the child is in the hands of one parent, for example, the mother, and even if the parents are very clear about which is the main home, there is a lot of confusion about where exactly the child’s home is.  Loyalty to the parents tears the child apart and creates a split in his sense of belonging.

The confusion and pain this causes the child is expressed in the forest episode. The hero finds himself going along a path.  When he reaches a crossroad he has to decide whether to go right or left. When he asks his parents for help, both parents exert equal pressure, each trying to pull the hero to his side - the Queen to the left, the King to the right. The dialogue demonstrates the conflict through a witty word game between the various meanings of “left” and “right”. 

There are many situations where each side tries to discredit and blame the other. For instance, at the beginning of the crystals episode, the mother mutters under her breath:

Queen:

“You know who we can thank for him getting into this whole mess…”

The father replies:

King:

“If you’re implying that this is somehow MY fault Uh,”

The child’s response is:

Moose:

“Mom? Dad? Remember ME? I’m fine, no need to argue “

Sometimes the parents argue between themselves without meaning to besmirch each other in the child’s presence but we find [32] that children listen closely to the quarrels of the parents when they are together and to phone calls between the parents after the separation. They see the telephone as a weapon for continuing the battle between the parents, a battle that often does not cease after the divorce. 

In the game there are a number of couples whose partners quarrel with one another about trivialities such as, for instance, the storyteller and his wife who argue about who will wash the dishes, who tells the best story plot.  The storyteller’s wife complains she has to do everything, etc.The quarrels are presented in an amusing way, thus enabling ventilation and desensitization to the actual subject of the quarrel. 

Sometimes the child finds himself in the midst of the “cold” or “hot” war between the parents and is manipulated directly or indirectly to take operative steps in, for instance, money matters or investigations about what goes on when he is in the other parent’s home, etc. 

In the fair episode the hero is still manipulated by the mother in a passive gentle manner, by asking for helium for the balloons she has to fill.  She gives him a deflated balloon and tells him it’s not her fault because the father has all the hot air. Indirectly, she is complaining that the father is keeping all the helium for himself, even though the hero answers her: “Tell him yourself”.  He finds himself facing a dilemma: should he ask for helium for the mother as well or only for himself.  He is embarrassed and hesitant and does not ask directly, to avoid spoiling relations with his father.  For example:

Moose:

“Think about all this HELIUM…  (hesitant) I mean, if you bang into it… What I mean is, if it falls… Uh, ahem, anyway, you have so MUCH of it…“

King:	(suspicious) “Son, why do I get the feeling you’re evading something?”
Moose:	“Me? Evading? No, It’s just that I don’t know if I should ask… I mean, uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Pops…

 

Inside himself the hero is angry about the situation and says:

 

Moose:

(to player, angry) “Maybe because I’m sick and tired of being caught in the middle all the time”

 

Clearly, in reality smaller children will respond more hesitantly and adolescents can be angry and direct [33]. They can be drawn into the confrontation, pass messages between the parents, and be in a dual loyalty situation.  Adolescents can take a stand that will express itself in a covenant, especially with the custodial parent.  They are judgmental and suffer from their involvement in the conflict.

Regardless of the game, the player’s reality could fit one of a number of realities: being torn between his loyalties but remaining loyal to both parents; establishing a coalition with one party and resenting the other party; cutting off from both parents; attempting to remain in the middle, totally neutral – as if he is from the U.N; having no contact with his father or having been abandoned by the father; or perhaps having been refused contact.

Therefore the player’s reactions to the episodes that express the conflicts between the parents could switch from identification to resistance, could arouse empathy or anger, and allows him to choose to use the journal according to those reactions.

Following are a number of tips for parents [34], which I think are very important:

• Never disparage your former spouse in front of your children. Children know they are “part mom” and “part dad,” and the criticism can batter the child’s self-esteem.

• Don’t use your children as messengers. The less the children feel a part of their parents’ battle, the better.

• Your children may be tempted to act as your caretaker. Resist the temptation to let them. Let your peers, adult family members, and mental health professionals be your counselors.

• Let your children be children.

We also inserted some psycho-educational sections in the game, whether for the parent or for the child, on the assumption that both will find ways to use this information effectively.For example: In the episode in the home of his mother, the queen, when he is talking with his mother and his pets are there in the background –

Queen:	“Actually, there’s sort of a message I’d like for you to… “
Floopsy:	“Ahem… Sorry to interrupt, but that could be a bit of a problem. See, it’s not advisable to…”
Moopsy:	“It’s not that we doubt your parental choices…”

The parents need to take responsibility for the children, not the opposite[35].  The child should be empathic and take responsibility as befits his age.  Of course, the lower the level of conflict between the parents after the divorce, the greater the chance that the child will suffer less damage and that there will be less of a tear between the two parents-the two homes. 

Because children don’t always express their suffering openly, a parent who plays the game with his child might experience his child’s suffering as a result of the child’s triangulation. The parent may thus be able to discuss this with him, and perhaps even do more than that. 

Continue reading “Part 11 - Self-Image and Peer Group”

Go back to “The Psychological Angle - Main Menu”

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[32]  Carol Nader 

University of Queensland, (2003)

Australia 

[33]  ברנע, ח. ואלדר, ד. ילדם וגרושים. (2003), משרד החינוך, המנהל הפדגוגי, היחידה לחינוך מיי וחיי משפחה, ירושלים,
[34]  Mccurley, M. www.divorcewell.com
[35]  Kaslow, F.W. & Schwartz, L.L, (1987). The Dynamics of Divorce.  (p.53). New York: Brunner/Mazel

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