Part 8 - Feelings of Guilt and Blame
In many cases, even if the child is given explanations of the reason for the divorce, he doesn’t really grasp that reason. (Wallerstein) [29]. Younger children tend to blame themselves for the divorce, thinking it was something, no matter how insignificant, that they did or did not do, and they feel they were not good enough to take care of their parents. Adolescents tend more to blame one or both parents.
Mccurley offers parents a tip [30]:
“Reassure your children that they’re loved and that the divorce isn’t their fault. Many children assume that they’re to blame for their parents’ hostility”.
The child’s sense of guilt and the parents’ reaction are inserted into the dialogue in the form of direct and sincere communication.
Generally, children tend to be less direct about such painful emotions and the purpose of this episode is to bring to the surface an existing, less talked about, feeling, and to provide modeling for direct communication.
Moose: (sad) “Maybe it was MY fault…”
King & Gueen: “No! No! Of course not!”
King: “How many times have we told you that YOU have nothing to DO with it?”
In another episode we struggle with the subject in a more paradoxical and humorous way. The hero speaks with the oyster after the earthquake. She feels that they are in the same boat and that they share their pain and tragedy, and she tells him:
Oyster: “A fellow earthquake victim, I take it?”
Moose: (sad) “Victim…instigator…whatever title you choose…”
Oyster: (cynically) “Instigator? Oh, nice party trick, do you also do TORNADOES?”
Moose: “Well, when you put it THAT way, maybe it wasn’t ENTIRELY my fault.”
In the case of adolescents, who tend more to blame their parents some do so openly and in a hostile way, others internalize because of their fear of rejection and abandonment. In the plot, the anger is expressed cynically, gently, and vaguely.
For example, when the father relates to life events through Zen Buddhist eyes and says:
“See how everything just flows into place?”
The hero responds cynically with hidden anger and blame that he takes no responsibility for his part and ascribes events to the cosmic flow -
“Yeah sure, but then a natural disaster comes and blows everything back apart.”
In a more direct way, the hero can take out his anger and frustration in the journal when he reaches the episode in the home of his father-king or of his mother-queen.
Continue reading “Part 9 - Helplessness -The Elevator Episode”
Go back to “The Psychological Angle - Main Menu”
[29]. Kaslow, F.W. & Schwartz, L.L, (1987). The Dynamics of Divorce. (p.53). New York: Brunner/Mazel
[30] Mccurley , M. www.divorcewell.com
