Children often fear parent abandonment even during the best of marriages. All the more so during a divorce proceeding. Often reassuring is sufficient, but child therapy may be necessary.
This article lightly explores this issue, offering practical advice such as speaking to the child in a manner they would understand.
This happens and you need to keep reassuring them you will never leave or abandon them.
That when you go out with adults it is not someone competing with them for your attention.
It is two different things, apples and oranges.
Judge Anne Kass has an article on abandonment, that shows this plays a big role in your handling of the divorce process.
In the classes, we taught a little story that seemed to help. Tell them this story…
How would you feel If you had to go all week and I would not let you go play with any other kids at all.
You only got to be with old people all the time. No kid friends etc., at all. You would get crabby.
Week after week, just old people. How would you like that?
Well, I am like that, you think I should just be with kids all the time, week after week. You wont let me go play with other adults.
(Note: with smaller children, you might want to use the words, GROWN UPS instead of using the word “adults”)
For me, it is just kids, kids, all the time. You want me to stay home all the time and do not want to see me go out and be with and go play with other grown ups.
You need time to play with and be with other kids, so I let you do that.
I need some personal time to go out and play with and be with other adults. So you need to let me, and help me do that. Okay?
So tonight is my night to go play with and just be with other adults.
I get grumpy when I just have to be with kids all the time, and I am sure you know that.
Tomorrow you get to go play with, (relate to them whatever it is they get to do) stay over or whatever it is they are doing with other kids.
So if you get to go out and be with and play with other kids a lot, does it sound fair that I get some time, at least once in a while get to go out and play with and be with other grown up adults?
You get “other kids play time” and I get “grown up play time” with other adults, sounds fair to me, what do you think about it if I let you be with other kids a lot, that you let me be with just other adults some times?
Thereafter, refer to your going out as your “grown ups time” (or with adults time).
That should handle it if they ever make a fuss about it again.
Article by Harlan Jacobsen. Harlan has been writing numerous articles and series on successful single life for 32 years that appear on the Internet and singles newspapers. For more articles on single life by Harlan, subscribe to some of his many free singles newsletters here and visit his Dating Again 101 and Divorce Recovery 101.
No comments yet.